What do you do when intimate moments of having sex with your spouse becomes few and far between? When your spouse no longer desires you at the level and/or frequency they once did. When your sex life becomes scarce, mundane, predictable and ultimately unappealing – leaving you upset and frustrated.
What happens when you fall into the sexless marriage?
Before I go any further, let’s uncover what constitutes as a sexless marriage. Statistically, the average healthy couple has sex 2-3 times a week; a small percentage of married couples even have sex 4 or more times a week. However, there is a group of couples that don’t fall into either category, having sex only a few times a month.
But wait…there’s more.
Lower on the totem pole are those couples who only have sex 1 time a month or less; a marriage is considered “sexless” if the couple only engages in sex at this level (approx. 10-12 times a year or less.) At this rate, sex is merely an obligation, rather than an enjoyable bond between two beings.
Now, I am not huge on comparisons. I believe that the healthiness of your personal sex life should be measured based on the love, happiness and peace within your own marriage. These numbers given are simply statistical averages.
Regardless, these numbers are real and so are the people experiencing the sexless marriage. I am going to take a moment to be open, honest and transparent with you. If you are in this predicament, whatever the case, there is hope…there is always hope.
Here is my #1 tip to turn around a sexless marriage
Get your Priorities Straight
Before you click away thinking I am going to give a bunch of cliche answers to why your sex life isn’t where you want it to be, hear me out on this one.
Your values and priorities are very apparent to the one you spend your life with – I mean c’mon, they see you EVERY DAY.
There are times when my wife has wanted to spend time with me, but I am busy working, on the internet, or talking on the phone. On the other hand, there are times when I want to spend time with her and she is watching TV, cleaning, or on social media. This can be problematic and display the lack of value that you hold for your spouse.
We all deal with these idols and distractions on some level – yes, I said idols, but there has to be a clear balance or that is what they actually become. One of the professors from my college always explained it like this:
We can measure our values based on time. What ever you spend the most time doing is the dearest to your heart. (i.e. “higher priority,” “more important” or even “idolized”)
So, if your spouse openly communicates that they want to talk, cuddle, take a walk, go on a date, be in the same room or even have sex, it is your job to be aware of that. But you need to do more than just that – you NEED to clearly communicate with them and take action to engage activity with them.
If you blow them off, and then spend time on your own agenda (day after day, week after week) you are sending strong messages that you:
- aren’t interested
- don’t really care
- value many other things before your spouse
I have talked with many men who try to engage intimacy with their wives, but are completely ignored, or blown off for the extensive list of priorities/chores, kids, work, etc. Yet their wives still find hours of time for their own pleasures. I am sure the same case happens the other way around as well (but I don’t talk to women about it…lol)
But, there also has to be grace.
Sometimes we communicate with our spouses and it is just brushed under the rug accidentally. If you are willing to communicate your desires, and they are still ignored (which happens often in marriages) you still have to find balance in your communication and not let that resonate in your mind.
I wrote recently about mentoring, and I am a firm believer that this works for marriages as well.
Many refer to this as counseling, but the word counsel implies that something needs help or fixed. That’s fine, but I prefer the word mentor because I don’t believe you should wait for the hard times to seek help – if you value and love your spouse, which we all do (or have at some point) then we should be consistently taking steps to better serve the other and express our love in a manner that speaks their ‘love language.’
We can do this through having a mentor (being spoken into) and mentoring others (speaking into.)
Challenge Your Marriage
Check this out – so, I read about a couple online that had completed a 365 day sex challenge. YEAAA BUDDY, you heard me right. 365 days of pure, intimate, hot & steamy sex. Ok, I don’t know if it was all of those descriptive words, but still!!
365 DAYS OF SEX!!!! WHAT?!
This couple had been married for several years and hit a rough patch when they decided to complete this challenge. After the challenge, they wrote a book and one of the comments that the couple made (besides the fact that their life’s dramatically changed for the better inside and outside of their home) was this:
“There is a special sense of being desired that only comes from sex.”
Oh, and it is so true. I don’t know about you, but when I have sex with my wife, my whole world turns upside down. Afterwards I feel like conquering the world, being a great husband, dad, and doing awesome at work.
So, I am not saying go have sex with your spouse 365 times and that will fix your problems – but I am saying to go show them that you VALUE them, LOVE them and DESIRE them.
If you are being with held from intimacy, be patient, understanding and show grace. If you are the one not engaging in intimacy, drop the things you ‘think’ are your priorities, and spend time with that person you call the love of your life…your spouse.